My Own Realm of Change

Been a (long) while...

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 02:49:24 GMT

Our monkey is almost six months old! He was born at 36 weeks, 4 days after a looong induction. I developed a condition called Intrahepatic Cholestasis and couldn't carry him past 36 weeks.

He is AMAZING. He is the most precious baby in the world and I can't even describe how much I love him. I did end up returning to work after my 12 week maternity leave. I was there for three weeks. I ended up quitting after being hassled one too many times and now I am acting as a caretaker of sorts for my grandpa. He has severe dementia and doesn't even know me anymore. It breaks my heart.

Yesterday was the four year anniversary of my grandma's death and I have had a really hard time. I miss her so much. I miss my life so much. I can't believe how much has changed within the past year and a half. I love where I am now and wouldn't change it, but there is a part of me that wishes I could go back to when she was here and life was simpler, even if just for a day.

I love you, Grammie.

Almost baby time...

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 23:42:17 GMT

Well, here I am 29 weeks pregnant with a perfect baby boy. It has been by far the most wonderful and amazing experience of my life. Having your child live inside you and constantly remind you of his existence with little kicks and punches is just indescribable.

We have had some family drama during the last couple of days and I've been pretty upset. I don't feel like my mother understands that there are other people in the world who struggle. She lives in her bubble where she expects everyone else to feel so badly for her and then gets angry when we need to deal with our own problems and not hers for a change. I made the choice to tell her this last night. It may have been a mistake, but I feel how I feel and it needed to be said. The words weren't spoken out of anger, they were spoken out of necessity. She reacted the way I knew she would and we haven't spoken since.

Rob and I are doing great, however! We are so excited about the arrival of our little stinker and can't wait for the fresh start that we know he'll give us. We have a ton of things to get done within the next ten weeks though. Well, my prediction is that he'll be early (I'm thinking around 37 to 37.5 weeks). Rob thinks he'll be late and he's been right about everything else during this pregnancy, so we'll see.

Work sucks, but is almost over. I will not return to my job once my son is born. I'll find another way to make money that allows me to be at home with him during the day. I simply can't justify to myself working at a dead end joke of a job while I'm missing the very thing that I believe is the reason I was born: having a child.

More to come!

Wow...

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 22:03:09 GMT

How things have changed in the past few months...

We are still working with each other and we are really doing great. I have allowed myself to trust Rob enough to give him a second chance. If something should go wrong again, well then my decision is made. It's no longer about anger though. It's about self preservation. He will always be my best friend. I'm in a pretty good place right now. :o)

And...

WE'RE HAVING A BABY!

:o)

What the fuck ever.

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 20:57:16 GMT

It really is amazing how quickly things can fall apart. Rob and I had another incredibly intense and depressing talk last night. I was quiet when we got done and he asked me what I was thinking. I told him that I couldn't tell him because I didn't want to upset him. He took that to mean I was thinking about leaving him.

What I was really thinking about was how wonderful it would be to kill myself without consequences.

Finally.

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 20:40:46 GMT

I just got Shaun to finally talk to me. He admitted that he told Rachel that Rob and I were having problems that night. If she hadn't sought me out and told me about them, I would never have known and I'd still be the fucking fool. Thank you, Shaun. I mean it.

Thinking.

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 15:41:46 GMT

I have been thinking a lot lately. I have been thinking about my life: the way it is versus the way I'd like it to be. It occurred to me a couple of days ago that I have never had to be truly independent in my entire life. I went from my dad taking care of my needs to my parents and grandparents taking care of my needs to Rob taking care of my needs. I don't even know if I COULD live an independent life at this point. That scares me very much. When I talk about "independence", I don't mean financial independence. I don't make quite as much as Rob does, but I'm close. I make more money at my current job than I ever have before and I could support myself on it if I had to. I'm talking about both my emotional needs and my everyday-I-just-don't-know-how-to-do-it needs. Those needs would be things like when my computer acts funky and I don't know how to fix it. Also included would be things like doing my own taxes, knowing enough about the gadgets I use everyday to maintenance them myself, researching large new purchases before buying them, lifting heavy things, reaching things that are very high, knowing exactly how to fix the furnace when it acts up or is wired incorrectly, etc. It's ridiculous. I have been taken care of my a man every single day for my entire life. I need to know that I can handle it on my own. No wonder my self esteem has always been in the toilet. Jesus fucking Christ.

Of course, the only way that I would be able to prove to myself that I CAN do it is to leave Rob for a while. We have a house now. It's not like I can just up and leave him with the mortgage payment on his own and go get myself an apartment or something. And I just leave and move in with someone so as not to have to pay rent, then I am not really doing it on my own, am I?

Another thing that has been plaguing me lately is the concept of trust. I have NO idea what it means. In therapy last week, Jim asked if I have had any opportunity to let Rob start earning trust back. BACK?? I never trusted him a day in my life. The only person that I have ever trusted fully was my grandma. I trust my mom to an extent, but not completely. And that's it. What the fuck does it mean to earn trust back when he never had it to begin with?? Anyway, my response was, "No. We have been attached at the hip." He then asked how there could be opportunities for Rob to start regaining trust if I didn't let that happen. I told him that I didn't know because I don't see how I could really ever trust him again after being burned so badly. He started talking about trust and how it takes much more energy to distrust someone than to trust him. And that if something WAS going on again at some point in the future, well then, "I'd probably know." Well, that's just fucking great except for the fact that I don't want to go through this ever again!! Only a crazy person would deliberately put themselves in this situation! Not only am I distrusting his ability to "stay clean", if you will, I am almost CERTAIN that he will revert to his old behavior eventually. So why am I staying? Well, I think a lot of it has to do with that first paragraph up there. Could I even make it on my own? Do I even want to try? Or is it good enough that I have a man who betrays me? Hey, at least I don't have to face life on my own, right? <--- See that? It's fucked up, right? I can logically see that it is fucked up, but I still think it quite often.

Alright, so all of that brings us now to my dilemma: Leave? Or keep trying, taking one day at a time, until he "earns my trust" (whatever the fuck that means) or he fucks up again, whichever comes first?

Fuck.

Been a looong while...

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 17:01:53 GMT

I will cut right to the chase: my life has been a piece of shit lately. I won't go into great detail in case someone close to me should come upon this journal, but my husband has betrayed me in the absolute worst of ways. It all came out about a month ago and my life will never ever be the same.

I am glad everything came out when it did because I know that his behavior would have continued unchecked indefinitely had I not been made aware. Maybe it will continue anyway, but at least now I feel like our marriage has a chance. I have never felt so hurt in my life. I spent weeks grieving over the loss of my perfect relationship and am struggling with how to pick up the pieces and be okay again. We are seeing a counselor together who is helping us understand his addiction slowly but surely. I have a list of counselors in my purse who would be able to see me alone and help me get through this, but of course I have not called any of them yet. The pain is damn near unbearable, but yet somehow (just like always) I rationalize in my head that I can handle it without help. It's not even a conscious choice. I just tell myself that I haven't had time to call any of them to make an appointment and that I will call when I get a minute.

The whole thing has thrown off my long-term plan for my life as well. Will we make it? Will I be able to have a child with this man? Will I be able to go back to school? Will I be able to find a job that satisfies me? Will I be able to stay in my house? Will I be able to keep my "old" friends? What will our families think if we end up getting a divorce? All of these questions are constantly swimming through my head with no end in sight.

I have tried to talk to a couple of close friends about what is going on, but that was a mistake. I don't think they could ever really understand our situation or be objective. I felt so desperate to smear his name and make myself feel better at the beginning that I reached out to these friends too quickly and told them too much.

All I can say is that we are trying. I believe that he wants to stop his destructive behavior. Will I ever be able to really trust him? Well, that remains up in the air. I don't see how I could ever trust a person that has repeatedly lied to my face and made me feel crazy for six years when I have been correct in feeling suspicious from day one.

I love him. He is my best friend. I will not say that I can't live without him, because I know that I could. It would be the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, but I could do it. And I will do it if this behavior continues. I don't want to leave him, but if he continues to hurt me, then I will have no choice. If my marriage does not work out, I will make a choice to never marry again. For me, this choice was for life. I never once had the "if it doesn't work out, we can just get divorced" thought. I need to convince myself that the world would not end if I had to live my life without a man to take care of me.

I hope to God I am stronger than that. We'll see.

Been a while...

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 17:50:56 GMT

We bought a house! And we have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars in the past few weeks! Wheeeeee! No, the house is wonderful. It's amazing to have our own space. I don't have much of anything to say right now other than that.

Sad

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 04:24:21 GMT

We had to put my childhood pet, Boomer, to sleep last week. I'm sad, but I'm okay. My mom, however, is not doing well. She loved that dog like a child. The other day she made a HILARIOUS joke about her own suicide. I worry about her. If I lost my mom I don't know what I would do. :o(

That's it.

Happy New Year!

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 04:16:30 GMT

Well, let's see. Christmas was fine. Rob and I went to Florida to visit his mom and sister during the week before Christmas, which was fun. The weather sucked but we had a good time anyway. Christmas day was spent at Rob's grandparents' new house, which is beautiful. I missed my family on Christmas day, but I am getting used to spending lots of time with my new family.

I didn't get the job that I was so hoping for. Damn it. And now I am in debt to MSU for 200 hours of work with no pay. Long story. I HAVE to find a job soon. Sigh. Anyone want to hire me? :o)

My Grandpa made me a sweet present that he gave me today. I went to visit him and he met me at the door and said, "I was just thinking about you! I made you something!" He found a painting that I did when I was five of a wreath and matted and framed it for me. It was so thoughtful. He's a great guy.

Right now Rob and I are hanging out waiting for the new year. We are a wild and crazy pair, I tell you. We already plowed through one bottle of champagne and have another ready to go. I have a monstrous headache though, so that might not happen.

I haven't written anything in a while, mainly because I haven't had much to say. Nothing has really changed. Still just going through the motions. :o/

Scary

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 14:06:17 GMT

I was watching the Wings game last night and all of a sudden everyone started yelling, Babcock jumped up on the bench and started beckoning across the ice frantically for help, and I saw someone start doing chest compressions. Scared the shit out of me! Anyway, Fischer had a seizure and it looks like he'll be okay. I have no idea why I care so much, but during the whole thing I was crying and my heart was pounding. Yzerman and Draper tore ass across the ice bringing the gurney and then his fiance was escorted across the ice...I don't know. It was so odd to see something so personal on national tv. I just kept thinking, "Please don't die..." No one should see that.

Of course, afterward I started thinking about my grandma and had an eventual breakdown in the bathroom. Christmas is almost here and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel ridiculous constantly talking and writing about her and about all of the same things I think about that have to do with her, but she is on my mind 24 hours a day. I wish the end had been different for her. No one should have to die scared and feeling helpless in a hospital when they are used to being at home and taking care of themselves. I miss my grandpa and Brent is still sick. I just HATE this. When did things become so different???

On another note, my office is arctic. I'm freezing. I froze all day long yesterday too. Our office heaters don't actually spit out warm air, but the vents themselves are warm to the touch, so I sat on mine for about ten minutes just shivering and hoping to melt my frozen body.

I'm sick of this job, by the way. Have I mentioned that? Tomorrow will be two weeks since my fabulous interview with DCH, so if I don't hear anything, I'm calling her. I was really thinking I'd get that job, but I guess not. I need to find something soon though, because even this shitty job is only lasting through the end of December. Ugh.

I've felt very musical lately. I've been playing the piano and singing a lot. I just feel like singing a song that explains my mood and thoughts is easier than trying to write them down or speak them out loud. I'm crazy. I don't know. Happy Thanksgiving.

Nothing in particular...

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 17:47:34 GMT

I interviewed for a job with DCH yesterday morning. The interview went so well. I couldn't have done it any better, so if they don't call me, there's something wrong. The interviewer (who would also be my supervisor if I am hired) walked me to the elevator and said, "Wow. You really had a GREAT interview. I just wanted to tell you that."

Call me! Hire me! I'm nice and smart!

Anyway. Right now I am sitting at work wondering what to do next because my supervisor is out of town at a conference. Hmmm.

I found out today that my uncle is very ill. He has thrush, which for a transplant patient can apparently be fatal if it reaches the organs. GREAT. I don't even want to think about it.

As excited as I am about the changes taking place in my life, I still kind of feel like I'm just floating along randomly. I am trying so hard to be happy. Winter is coming though, which is always hard for me. We'll see what happens. I miss my friends!

Scary.

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 00:28:45 GMT

I had my first real interview for my first real job this morning and it was one of the scariest things I have ever had to do. I may be a nerd, but it was SO damn intimidating. I think it went pretty well. I didn't sound like too much of a bumbling idiot, but we'll see what happens. I'll be shocked if I get this job.

Nothing else is really going on.

Cool

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 02:50:10 GMT

Someone turned me on to www.43things.com and www.43places.com. These are websites where people formally create lists of things they'd like to do and places they'd like to visit before they die. You can see what other people have on their lists and it's really inspiring. With my newly found sense of clarity when it comes to what is important in life, I thought these websites were really nifty.

I don't really have anything else to write about right now.

Our Family

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 03:24:32 GMT

My grandma's brother Jerry died on Saturday afternoon. He was extremely ill and in hospice. His death was about as expected as a death could be, but it has shaken me. I was taken back to my grandma's death so fast that it made my head spin. After his visitation on Wednesday, my mom, my grandpa, and I went through some of her jewelry and things. The night she died, that is exactly what I did. I shut myself in my bedroom at her house and looked at everything she had in there for hours and hours. When we were all in there yesterday, I literally forgot that today was Jerry's funeral. I could have sworn that it was hers all over again. I found it impossible to focus on him during his visitation and funeral, which made me feel inexplicably guilty. ALL I could think of was her. After deciding to wear the same suit and one of her pins to his funeral, I truly realized that it wasn't her day. This was a day to remember HIM. So I decided against the suit and tried so hard to focus on his life that I'm sure I was squinting during the funeral.

What an odd couple of days. I wasn't particularly close to him, but for some reason the whole thing made me so very sad. I miss my grandma so much it hurts. People say that it takes a year to fully "heal" and "move on" after you lose someone close to you. That is bullshit. I feel no different than I did many months ago. I see her face everywhere and I dream about her often. I can't believe she is gone. I even pick up the phone to call her sometimes, still being plagued by that, "Wow, I haven't talked to Grandma in a long time..." thought. Unbelievable. The worst part was knowing how his family feels. There is simply no comfort. There isn't anything you can say to make everyone feel better or make things go back to the way they were. This sort of thing guts you.

My mom and I were talking at his visitation and she said something like, "This past year everything has fallen apart." I knew exactly what she was talking about. Our family doesn't seem like our family anymore. Things that used to be important and fun no longer are. I miss us. My family has been my rock and comfort for the entirety of my life and now I feel so empty. I can't even think about what we will become when my grandpa passes away. It makes me feel sick.

Onto other things...I finally have a job interview with the Department of Labor and Economic Growth. This would mean a full-time "real" job with benefits. I can't imagine.

If anyone actually reads this, please know that even if it sounds like the cheesiest thing you have ever heard, FAMILY AND EXPERIENCES ARE ALL THAT MATTER IN LIFE. Work may seem important when you are doing it, but it just shouldn't have a big place in your thoughts. What most people do for a living doesn't in any way define them. Why should we worry so much about what other people do and think? Everyone has a set amount of time here and we don't know what happens once that time is up, so we should all just take a minute to really think about priorities. When I am on my deathbed, I am not going to give a shit about jobs that I have had. I am going to be saying, "Thank god that I have experienced love in so many ways." Feelings don't follow logic and most can never be duplicated, so I am going to make a damn solid effort to focus on feeling and not just going through the motions from now on.

Yep.

Sick...

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 20:42:45 GMT

I have been sick for about a week now. It is friggin' MISERABLE. I haven't been to work yet this week, but I'm going tomorrow. Can't wait for that! Wheeee!

Anyway. I need to find a dentist because I haven't had my teeth cleaned in about two years, which is disgusting. And also, when I was about 15, I had a tooth built up. It was a very small, odd tooth and they thought it might interfere with my alignment, so they fixed it. It was only supposed to last a year, but guess what?! The fake part randomly fell out about two days ago. It was really weird. I just hope our insurance will cover enough of this to get it fixed because it looks dumb.

I still hate my job. I am still looking. I lost count of how many jobs I have applied for about a month ago. Ugh. I'm thinking about going back to school and getting a BSN. There is an accelerated program at MSU for anyone that already has a degree. You can do the entire program in a year. And you'll basically be guaranteed employment from then on. That is my motivation. I want a job. I want a secure job that will pay me a lot of money. And I sure won't find one in my field.

Off to get over my illness. I miss my grandma. :o(

Insomnia

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 04:38:36 GMT

I feel a serious case of insomnia coming on tonight and I have to get up early for work tomorrow. :o( I've got my Loreena McKennitt on and I'm trying to relax, but I am SO wired. Siiigh.

I just found out that there's some sort of ladies' night materializing at Janie's tomorrow. I'm excited because I can really use some girl time. Plus Braden will be there!! I can't wait to see him. He is almost four months old now, which is weird. He's damn cute though. I want to have a baby so badly. I have even started dreaming about it every night. We've got to get the money/house situation in order first though. I want to do this right. It's too special a life event to screw it up by having to stress about things that you wouldn't have to stress about if you just waited until you were ready.

Rob's grandpa is still in Key West right now. He has been there for the majority of the summer. I am praying that he gets home okay. It makes me nervous when people I care about are in the hospital. Grams went in with a stomach ache and died two weeks later. Grandma went in with a stomach ache and died two weeks later. :o(

I went to my volunteer orientation at Sparrow tonight. It was very silly. I'm excited to start though! I'll be doing infant massage in the NICU. If that is too traumatic for me, I'll probably move to basic volunteer work in the Mother/Baby Center. Training on Saturday!!

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 18:18:37 GMT

Gosh, I just love applying for jobs!! Wheeee! I feel so unqualified. I can more than likely get a job as a case worker with DHS, which I am applying for, but I'd really rather not. Suck balls.

My poetry site is still down. Sigh. I miss people! Come and visit me, someone!

My second grade teacher died last week of cancer. I LOVED her. She was such a great lady. I think that I had her during one of her first years of teaching. Hopefully her family and friends are doing well.

I have been in need of some spirituality lately and I think I have found it. I have done extensive research on a religion and I am excited to call it my own. Religion is a very private issue for me, so I won't specify at this time which religion it is...but just know that it will make me a hell of a lot happier than Catholicism. :o)

Rob and I have made such great progress getting our finances worked out during the past couple of months. I am excited to start my life as a real grown-up who has her debt in order. Woo hoo!

Hm...that might be all for now. I am looking forward to fall. It's my favorite. :o)

Also...

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 14:51:04 GMT

Four year anniversary of September 11th, 2001. Would have been my grandma's 72nd birthday. It's gonna be a GREAT DAY. :o/

I miss you, Grammie.

Shit.

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 14:47:41 GMT

Ironically enough, the first time I ever posted a piece of my poetry in my journal, it was immediately followed by the suspension of my poetry website. There is a website where I have been posting every single piece of poetry I have written since I was about 13. I write usually every other day or so, so that is a LOT of poetry. I have backed them up over the years, but some of them are so old that they have been lost in computer data transfers, moving, etc. I never really worried about it because this website hasn't gone down once in over 10 years. And now it's gone! I'm praying that it comes back up or that I can somehow retrieve my data, but if not, I have just lost almost everything I have ever written. I was able to piece together a lot of it from cached pages and my own memory, but there is a lot I wasn't able to get. Please don't waste time thinking about/telling me how stupid I am. I already know.

That shitty bit aside, I think I'm getting sick.

That other shitty bit aside, we went out to The Post in Novi on Friday night. It was odd. I don't know.

End of Summer

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 22:03:40 GMT

Summer is almost over and there is this weird dead feeling everywhere. It's not necessarily bad...just feels like a true ending. This past long weekend has been very rejuvenating and I feel pretty good. I just can't wait to go back to work!! K, maybe that's a little bit of a lie...but I'm trying to be positive. We've been house sitting for my parents on and off for a couple of weeks now and I'm kind of sad to be going back to the apartment. I love all the space in that house. I feel so organized and clean when I'm over there. I do miss my kitties though, so in that sense, I'm glad to be coming home.

I made a date for Friday night with my Grandpa. It has been quite a while since we have spent an evening together. He loves going out to dinner and watching movies, but he says that he has no one to do that with anymore, so I happily volunteer. We got several of our outstanding debts paid off this month already, so a feeling of financial happiness has washed over me.

I think I am done with real money poker for a while. I put $10 into pokerroom.com a few weeks ago and have been up as much as $50, but now I'm down to $22 profit. I am not a very consistent winner, so I think it's time to stop for a while. I love playing, but I think I kind of suck. :o) Anyway, that's all for now.

Our Love

The sky is beautiful tonight.
You are beautiful underneath.
You wear your temper as a sheath
as I turn my eyes away.

The volume of your anger
pierces the night like a fired needle.
We throw up our hands,
no longer willing to feed on each other.

I sit the next morning;
my own anger bleeds across the page
as does a heart that has just been broken.
I will never understand your rage.

People need to get a life.

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 15:02:29 GMT

I am so sick of hearing everyone whine about gas prices. What the hell is wrong with people?? Maybe they should take a second and think about all of the tragic reasons behind the gas prices, you know, little itty bitty things like the fucking war in Iraq that people die in everyday along with the massive hurricane that has killed quite a few people and whose aftermath will continue to kill more. But why take five seconds to reflect on the horrible state of our planet when you can just bitch and complain that you are paying an extra dollar for a gallon of gas. GROW UP YOU FUCKING BABIES AND OPEN YOUR EYES. I don't have money to burn, believe me. But I'd rather concentrate on issues that are a little bit more important than the extra 12 bucks I'm out once a week or so. Oh, and to all you assholes who decided to buy a giant monstrosity of an SUV that will never see an off-road trail just for the fucking fun of it, serves you fucking right. Eat shit and die.

K, all of that hostility aside, I am in a decent mood today. I'm bored as shit like always and I miss my friends and family, but I'm dealing with it. I have a giant cut on my face that randomly appeared about three days ago that I can't figure out. We've been staying at my parents' house, so it couldn't have been the cats or anything. It's so perfect that it looks like an alien marking or something. Weird.

I never thought in a million years I'd miss going back to school, but I do. Maybe it's because my job is boring and useless right now. It's not even full time. It's just something that I do for about $450 every two weeks until someone else decides to hire me. Wheeee! Boring! Stupid! I need a full time job.

Rob and I got all excited yesterday about buying a house. I'm not sure where that came from, but at least now I feel like I'm working toward something. My ultimate end would be us in a nice house, Rob with a great job, us with a baby, me working on my masters...that might be it. That will be AWESOME. I'm already feeling much less stressed about the money situation. It feels really cool to not be thrown into a panic whenever a bill arrives in the mail. We actually have money to pay bills and rent without worry! Amazing concept. Once I'm working more, it will get even better. Woo hoo!

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 13:59:55 GMT

I really miss my family. I miss the way my family used to be and the way we used to act together. We used to all just crack up and be silly and have fun when we were together. Now everyone is sullen and argumentative. My Grandpa's mind is going and my cousins have turned selfish, which I never thought would happen. I feel like we are falling apart. It's literally completely different now that my Grandma isn't here. Christmas, for example, once seemed like the best day of every year. It was something that, even as adult, I looked forward to because every year surpassed the last. Everyone was always so happy to be together and the entire day was always filled with laughter and love. Last Christmas SUCKED. All my mother and I did was cry all day and the whole fucking thing seemed like nothing more than a depressing hassle.

So now take that example and apply it to every single day. People fight and cry all the time. I absolutely detest holidays and that whole "everything is a giant fucking hassle" feeling is inside me all the time. How do you fix a broken person? If anyone has insight, share it. I know I have said this before, but I feel completely empty. I'm ambivalent to everything and everything I do each day seems ridiculously pointless. What I really need is to get away and be alone for a while to clear my head. I've even been paranoid about Rob lately. I just feel like I don't make him happy sometimes. I'm probably just not making myself happy and it's easier to project onto him...who knows...

I also need a job. Rob wants to buy a house when our lease is up and that requires money, so one of these 18 million resumes I have sent out needs to lead to something. Maybe what I'm feeling is completely normal and describes the way that everyone feels. Maybe I am just still healing from losing my Grandma. Maybe I really do need a little more excitement. Ugh, I can't think anymore right now.

Today

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 23:30:47 GMT

My grandma died one year ago today. I have no idea how I made it, but I did. I miss her like crazy, but it doesn't completely consume me like it once did. It's so strange because it does NOT seem like I haven't talked to her in a year...but at the same time, I think about other things that were going on in my life a year ago and it seems like an eternity.

I hope she is with me because I think about her all the time. In fact, without realizing it until later this afternoon, I woke up and got out of bed at the same time that she died this morning. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I had a splitting headache, so I decided to take an aspirin. I often have horrible reactions to pain relievers, but it hurt so bad that I didn't know what else to do. This was at about 1:30 in the morning. At about 4, I woke up with excruciating pain in my chest. It was right around 4 in the morning that we all realized she was not going to make it through the night.

I feel like I should write to her again. I have written her quite a few letters, but I don't know what else to write. All of them are pretty much the same and I'm sure she knows how I feel. I didn't go to the cemetery today because I just didn't want to feel close to her THERE. I wanted to feel close to her by talking to my grandpa and just thinking about her. She was my absolute best friend.

All of this aside, I feel okay.

Dragging.....dragging..

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 20:25:30 GMT

Some days seem to last an ETERNITY. This is one of them. I feel like painting.

Random thoughts today. Wow. I miss Grandma. Quite often now I have days where I feel like I float through the whole thing. It's really hard to describe, but I'll give it a whirl. I feel kind of dizzy and sick to my stomach. I sometimes can't remember the day in detail. I remember it like you remember a dream...you know what happened, but details get fuzzy and everything seems weird. These days seem to drag on and on, but at the same time, they seem to go really fast. I catch myself sitting silently and staring at the wall. I wish it would stop, because it's making me feel like I don't know myself.

I need to see her.